There are days, that I doubt everything. It's not an easy road. A big part of adoption, is having your life be an open book, to be judged as to whether or not you will be a suitable family for the little boy you dream about.
This week I had a psychological evaluation done. After a brief conversation with the psychologist, I sat down for a 567 true or false questionnaire. Supposedly, this would determine any diagnoses. Luckily, I passed - no diagnosis :) Bob's is in two weeks.
On Monday, we will have our first home visit of four. She'll spend time with us, interview us, tour our home, etc. While we have nothing to hide and have three fantastic kiddos, it can still be a little nerve racking.
I've had some really hard conversations with some of you (if you even read this blog), questioning our decision. All of these questions I ask myself a thousand times over in my head, daily. Will our marriage stand up to the trials of another child? Will we crumble financially? Can we handle the process? What special needs will he have? Is this really what you want God? We don't own our house, we have two older cars, very little savings, and work really hard for one of us to be with the kids, which leaves little room for comforts.
My biggest fear? The money. It has such potential to direct the length of time this process will take. God keeps reminding me that he is bigger than this, but there are days I fail to trust him with it. In my darkest moments, I'm reminded, with a check in the mail or an alert on my phone from someone has seen our story or believes in what we're doing, and I'm reminded he's got this. We have a warm house, a never-give up marriage, a bedroom for him to share with a very excited brother, TWO cars, a savings account, and one of us gets to be with our kids. He can do this. My faith is not in the process, the money, whether you believe we should do this or the judgement of a social worker that walks through our home. My faith is in the One that is leading us through all these things to bring us to this little boy, as we seek after His heart.