I've written this post many times, unsure of how to say it or express our hearts best. We've come to this decision after much discussion and prayer. As I sat with a friend by the pool this week, tears streaming down my face, explaining why I feel like a failure and how unsure I was of what people must think of our family. She reminded me this journey is tough, and there's no way you get to your destination without traveling ALL of it. This story, chronicaled for him to one day to read, and thus broadcast for others, will hopefully one day express to him the love we had for him, before we even knew him, and the journey we took to get to him.
When we started this process, we (I) believed our calling was Uganda. It was in my heart, I dreamed of traveling to Africa and picking up our little guy. Bob, my voice of reason, quietly said, many times, why don't we help right here? But we agreeably moved forward to pursue a Ugandan adoption and learn what we could.
I get something in my head and forge ahead, with great speed and constant vigilance until I accomplish it. I don't give up, I don't quit, and I train harder, some times to a fault. I read, I gain knowledge, and I figure out the best way. God's put up with my way of learning for many, many years. When I told my sister, she wasn't the slightest bit surprised. There's a quote that says something like this:
"Someone once asked me, "why do you always insist on taking the hard road?" I replied, "why do you assume I see two roads."
The roads we've attempted to go down, believing our path was Uganda, was a "no" in 3 solid directions. The stress it was putting our family under was taking its toll. And after many conversations together, we decided to pursue a domestic adoption. The weight has been lifted and the excitement is back, and our 3 love the idea, as their hearts are ready and willing to love this little one as well. Faye and I were walking yesterday and saw a woman holding a baby, in her long drawn out sentence, which seemed more of a conversation with herself, she said,"isn't that baby cute? I wish we could get a baby. Oh wait, we are! That's so great."
I regret nothing of this road, the things we've learned, and the doors that have been closed. We've learned a great deal about adoption, strengthened our relationship, and have grown closer to God through it all. This journey may now take a bit longer, but I know it will bring us to our little guy that will grow our family the way God has intended. And I am so grateful for His patience with my learning curve.